I don't really want to be at this computer forever. I am just feelin' a need for some love. I need a chance to cry on a few dozen shoulders. I hate that I lack the ability to truly stand up. I hate that I lack the ability to stand up for my kids. I hate that I'm all talk and show and little miss know it all until it really counts and then I mutter under my breath and slink off. I hate that I am having a terrible time trying to communicate with my daughter right now. I hate that I am sitting here whinning and feeling bad about myself. I just really need to get it out so I can attempt to focus on some positive.
Today is Ash Wednesday. I miss Forrest like crazy from Valentine's Day all the way til Easter. He was a very dear friend. A Franciscan Priest I meet while in High School. He has been gone for almost 13 years. He was always in my neck of the woods during Lent. Even if he was in the town and hour plus away he'd make a trip to Angelo to have lunch with me at his favorite italian restaurant. Ok back to Ash Wednesday. Lent has begun. I know many of us struggle with what to give up. What to sacrific. What to change. What to improve. I want to give up all the crap in my life and become a new holy amazing wife and mother in 40 days. Ready. Set. Go! Yeah. We all know where this goes in about two weeks. I couldn't even keep the whole no eating between meals rule today. Out of habit I sat down and was eating cheeze it crackers with two year olds before I remembered. The biggest goal of Lent is to strenghthen our relationship with our God and Savior. That is what I am going to do. It may be something different each day. One day a sacrifice the next day a good deed. But every day I am going to work to be proud of me. Proud of my kids. Proud of my family. God has given me these kids and put me in this place for a reason. I have fallen away from the Sit Down, Shut Up, and Listen. I tend to go full throttle in my own direction and then wonder why I have run out of gas, lost my map, and ended up in the middle of nowhere. Time to Sit down, Shut up, Look Up, and Listen.
I'm sure this post looks like a rambling and probably makes no sense. But JJ and I have this code. We can call each other and say "Need to talk. You listen." It doesn't matter what the other says. The one listening isn't required to comment, agree, or even understand. Just let the caller rant/cry/scream/laugh.....The listeners job is to listen and love. Since most of this emotion is over flowing and can't be controlled and dinner was being cooked and kids now have to go to bed I felt a desire to type it out.
Thank you my friends.